Episode 30/Transcript
Tanya: ...S-O-N! Atchison! Matthew: Wow, I gotta say that was an impeccable pyramid! Blaine: Gonna be tough to beat. Than: Alright, I just blew a guy in the bathroom. Can we be friends now? Tanner: ...What? Than: I just blew a guy in the— Tanner: I heard what you said, dick! Than: Oh I'm sorry, I just thought that because you just said "What!" Tristan: Wow, honey, so you just met a stranger and took him into the bathroom for a quick beej just like that huh? Than: Uh, no, no, uh, that's gross. No, no, I do this thing where you cut a hole in the wall and you wait for an erect penis to be slipped through. Blaine: You mean a glory hole? Matthew: Blaine, Blaine, oh sweet Blaine, don't get involved buddy. Than: Oh, glory hole! That's a great name for it. I was just gonna call it s Cock Pocket. You know, Cooock Pocket. You know, like, a hot pocket, but instead it's a random's guy's dick? Tanner: Okay, hold on. Who would just stick their dick a random hole in a public bathroom? Bert: Ahhhh! Jeannie: You just missed the entire Atchison High cheer routine! Bert: Oh did I? Oh God, what am I gonna do? Uh, congratulations, ten! I really like their use of pom-poms. Crisis averted. Jeannie: God you are a fucking mess. Next to the main stage, Overland Park High School! Good luck ladies! This is our last squad, you think you can maintain consciousness for the next five minutes? Bert: Let me ask you something. What are the odds that there's a woman in the men's bathroom just... waiting? Jeannie: Waiting for what? Bert: You know, to do stuff. Jeannie: I don't give a fuck, Bert. Please move over. You smell like Jameson and old salmon. Bert: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's probably more romantic if I don't know. Mackenzie: Okay, girls, here we go... Don't fuck this up! Matthew: Alright, baby, time to show Daddy what you got. Tristan: Hey Brittnay! You're so fine! Rock it bitch! You're so fine! Brittnay: Give me an O! Jeannie: These girls have some skill. Does look a bit familiar though... Saison: How do you say, E! Than: Wow, my ex-girlfriend's onstage. My new gay friends are sitting next to me. I just blew a dude. Loot of character development for Than these days— Tanner: For the love of Michael Bay, stop talking. Trisha: Yeah! Matthew: Nailed it! Jeannie: So far so good, but let's see what they've got in store for the finale. Mackenzie: You sure about this? Deandra: Let's fucking do this. (Bert and Jeannie gasp) Bert: Well suck my dick in a public restroom, goddamn! Jeannie: Holy chocolate dick burgers! (Deandra is revealed to be supporting an upside-down pyramid of the cheer squad) Matthew: God-diddy-damn-do! Incredible! Blaine: That's my son! Inside of my girl! Who is standing on top of my ex-girl! Wow, you know, I've had a big year. Matthew: Bravo, ladies, bravo. Tristan: You girls, were amazing. Especially you, bitch. Than: I sucked a dick! Tanner: God, Jonathan. Prodcuer: Wow, that was awesome! Now let's just get a little bit of the wrap-up session and we've got ourselves a hit pilot that makes Honey Boo Boo look like an aborted koala bear. (laughs) Ah, little people freak me out. Jeannie: Congratulations, girls! I don't think there's any doubt who this belongs to. And as for you, Miss Zales, your modeling future is very bright. How would you like to be the new face of Claire's? Tanya: You! Mackenzie: Tanya! Tanya: I bet you feel pretty good about yourself right now! Well... fuck you! Taylor: Aw hell yeah! Tanya: Fuck you, you slutty little whorebag bitchcunts! You all can lick my fucking ass because you're nothing but a bunch of twatfaced cocksuckers! Taylor: Yeah, bitch! Ya'll ain't nothin' but a bunch of trick ass hos who couldn't fuck their way out of a paper bag. So go ahead, go, go, go suck on some dicks and enjoy your trophy you cock-gobbling cum-surfers. Fuck ya'll and fuck this bullshit. Tanya: Anything to say to that, Mackenzie, you stupid little fucking cunt? Mackenzie: Grrr... Trisha: Mackenzie, no your hair! Jeannie: What about her hair? Producer: Not right now, we need this shot! Mackenzie: You know what, Tanya, I have one thing to say to you... who the fuck are you? Who the fuck do you think you are? Brittnay: Yeah, you think you can bitch me out? I am the queen of bitch! You look up bitch up in the dictionary and you're gonna see my fucking face! Trisha: Well, I guess it's just you and me... Ashley Katchadorian! Mackenzie: I mean you want to fuck with my team at my fucking mall comin' in here with your fucking Disney motherfucking bullshit! Like, you know what? You like Adam Sandler movies? Well, the price is wrong biotch! Brittnay: ...in a lazy fucking river? (laughs) Well, the jokes on you because guess who's been giving handjobs to every fucking member of the Atchison high football team? (laughs) And do you know what they had to say about you? Not a goddamn thing because no one gives a fuck about you Taylor! You're a goddamn sidekick! A fucking punchline to Tanya Berkowitz's fucked up life. Hey, knock, knock, Taylor, who's there? Mackenzie: No one! (Mackenzie and Brittnay high-five) Brittnay: That's right! Cause you are gonna die alone! Trisha: Well, there'll be no Armageddon here today! Because I'm Ben Affleck and I'm on a rocket ship, back to earth. Along with Aerosmith, and Steve Buscemi, and everybody else, alright. And I'm gonna make the fuck out with Liv Tyler. And you're Bruce Willis, sitting on a fucking rock... dying. And you have to press the button cause you're gonna fucking die. Well, press the button, Ashley Katchadorian, press the button, because we're sick and tired of your shit. I hope you enjoyed this fucking ride! You are the cause of all this. You are the reason that she has a robot arm. And you are the reason that (incomprehensible) alright? I hope you enjoyed the fucking ride! Producer: Goddammit! Well, this is ruined. Brett: So what do you want to do now? Producer: Ah, let's just make another Girls Gone Wild knock-off. Hey ladies, how'd you like to earn ten bucks and feel great about yourselves? Jeannie: Well, that is certainly not the image that the Halverstad modeling agency wants to be presenting to the young women of America. Angie: Unless you're casting the E True Hollywood Story of Amanda Bynes. Jeannie: Ha ha, that was kind of funny. Angie: Oh, Amanda Bynes jokes she likes? Jeannie: And you ruined it, and I want to push you down stairs. Go wait in the car, cunt brick. Angie: And we're back to cunt brick. Brittnay and Mackenzie: Go fuck yourselves! Trisha: Go fuck yourselves! Tanner: Wow girls, that would be impressive to me even if I wasn't gay. Matthew: Yeah, baby, if it was possible for me to have an erection right now, I most definitely would. Tristan: But Brittnay, what about your show? Trisha: Yeah, Mackenzie, what about your modeling career? Brittnay: Fuck it. Mackenzie: Yeah, we don't need to be rich and famous right now if it means we giving up who we really are. Brittnay: Yeah, I mean, if somebody wants to give me my own show and a whole bunch of money, you better goddamn believe it's gonna be on my own terms. Mackenzie: Yeah! Besides, if we were to sacrifice everything we are to become rich and famous at this age, well, we could end up like Amanda Bynes. Brittnay: Or Lindsay Lohan. Trisha: Or Shia Lebouf. Saison: Or Michael Jackson. Jenna Dapananian: ... Oh, am I included in something for once? You know what? Fuck you guys. (walks off) Mackenzie: So for right now, we're just gonna be exactly who the fuck we are and not anybody. Besides, we're still the most popular girls in school! Brittnay: You're goddamn right we are. Than: You know what guys, hearing this speech has made me realize something. All this time I've been trying to impress these guys by pretending to be gay. Tanner: What? Whoa, no, you are gay. Than: No, Tanner, I just wanted to think that, so you'd like me. Tanner: We still don't like you. Blaine: Nope, still no. Matthew: No change, whatsoever. Tanner: But Jonathan, you are the gayest of gay. Than: No, Tanner, you are the gayest. Well, you're gay, he's probably the gayest actually. But I can't live this lie anymore. It's like these girls said: I can't pretend to be somebody else so I can be popular. That's not me, that's not Than, that's not who I am! I've got to be true to myself. Tanner: Whoa, you were being true to yourself. They were wrong. You were doing the right thing! Than: I appreciate that Tanner. You're a true friend. Tanner: I am not your friend. And also, you had a guy's dick in your mouth ten minutes ago. Than: Hey I couldn't see anything. For all I know, that was a chick's dick. Matthew: Alright, that's it we're leaving. Grab your pompoms and your duffel bags, let's get the hell out of here. Blaine: Weird. Than: Oh, I get it! Back to the good ol' days, huh. Fuck you too guys! Fuck you too! Holy shit. How am I gonna get home? Jenna Darabond: Goddammit. You win this one Zales. (phone rings, picks up) Hello Daddy. How's Washington? No, just working on a little bit of revenge. I will, Daddy. Justin: Hey Jenna, where is everybody? Jenna Darabond: It's over. For now. But winter is coming to Overland Park. (Jenna and Justin kiss)